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*Don’t worry kids! Santa still has enough gifts for you! This piece is satirical, but discusses the very real possibility of “Smash and Grab” theft affecting your parents’ business*
Ho-ho-oh no! Someone has earned themselves a permanent place on the naughty list this year, as news just broke that Santa’s workshop on Candy Cane Lane in California was broken into last night.
The workshop, a smaller local location that Santa uses for pit stops and expanded toy production capacity, was ransacked and cleared out of most of the presents intended for California’s children. While thankfully no one was physically hurt in the robbery, Santa is nevertheless the latest victim of the California “Smash and Grab” epidemic amid the state’s soaring crime rates.
According to the most recent report by the U.S. Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) on crime rates in 2022, while nationwide crime has gone down, California's crime rate is consistently spiking and went up in 2022 by a staggering 13%.
Property crimes went up 2.4% between 2020 and 2021, and up 5.9% from 2021 to 2022 — reflecting a trend of rapidly increasing crime incidents. But experts say California’s property crime statistics have become completely useless because many businesses and residents have simply given up reporting them because they know police and prosecutors no longer enforce property laws.
Santa Claus, the owner of the California workshop that employs thousands of local elves, said the break-in would set him back on his toy delivery schedule for Christmas — but that he’d increase production in other states to help bail out California in time.
“Ho ho ho we’ll make do and get toys out in time for Christmas as always — thanks to a touch of magic and Christmas spirit — but the thieves that looted my shop and the California politicians that incentivized this behavior are going on my naughty list — permanently,” said Mr. Claus.
“That miserly governor, Gavin Newsom, will be getting so much coal in his stocking that his green new deal donors and lobbyists will desert him from fears of his CO2 climate impact!” Claus exclaimed with a laugh.
Carl DeMaio, chairman of Reform California, offered his support for Mr. Claus and also placed the blame for the burglary at the feet of California’s liberal politicians.
“First, Governor Gavin Newsom canceled the Capitol Christmas tree lighting, and now his pro-criminal policies have added even Santa Claus to the list of Californians who have been hurt by the crime wave - and now Christmas for all California kids has been put in jeopardy,” said an exasperated DeMaio.
“California’s crime rates are absolutely soaring thanks to the failed policies of Governor Newsom and the California Democrats that incentivize crime and coddle criminals,” explained DeMaio.
DeMaio points to the passage of Proposition 47 and Proposition 57 in California as key drivers of the increase in crime over recent years. Advocates argued that these propositions would reduce the prison population and strain on the system, but DeMaio says that in actuality the propositions tied the hands of law enforcement to crack down on crime and reduced many penalties to simple slaps on the wrist — emboldening criminals and causing repeat offenses.
Prop 47 in particular downgraded many felonies to misdemeanors and eliminated many tools law enforcement needs to get criminals off the street. Because Prop 47 raised the felony threshold to $950 per day per store for property crimes, experts agree this has led to a major uptick in “Smash and Grabs” — like at Santa’s workshop. Under Prop 47, drug dealing and property theft is essentially now legal in California.
But DeMaio says it gets worse, explaining that California Democrats recently attempted to pass SB 553, which would have made it a crime to detain or stop criminals from stealing your business’s goods.
“California’s liberal politicians want to punish the victims of retail crimes by making them into criminals, while letting actual criminals off scott-free,” said DeMaio. “It’s this logic and all these other bad bills that have passed that are coddling criminals and incentivizing theft — and business owners like Santa are left to suffer the consequences.”
DeMaio says the best way to stop these “Smash and Grabs” and restore public safety in California is to elect leaders that will fight to uphold the law and hold criminals accountable. That’s why DeMaio is providing his annual “Plain English” voter guide, which recommends the best candidates in each race that will fight to restore public safety. You can find the guide closer to the primary election at ElectionGuideCalifornia.org.
*Don’t worry kids! Santa still has enough gifts for you! This piece is satirical, but discusses the very real possibility of “Smash and Grab” theft affecting your parents’ business*
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